Today has been the hardest day so far for me to be honest. I had a call from a friend at the spinal unit and the conversation came round to how things were going. I explained to her that I have had to fight for all the treatment I have managed to get so far which has now unfortunately come to a stumbling block again. We spoke about the fact that in the unit I had no rehab and she remembered the conversation when I was leaving with regards to me being re-admitted to start my rehab. The staff were waiting for me to be come back and could not understand why had not been back. Now she knows and bless her, she is trying to understand what has gone wrong. Since leaving I have had to teach myself to dress, not an easy task if your muscles do not work below your nipples. Teach myself to shower and dry, that is a real task believe me. To transfer from my bed to my chair, from my chair to my shower chair. To get from the chair to the car and get out in to the chair. So many other things that you take for granted when able bodied, even going to the toilet. I have since my accident stayed positive, made jokes about it, cracked on to the best of my ability and tried to set and achieve goals. Most of this would have been made easier if I had been taught how by spinal specialist physio’s. The physio’s I have fought so hard for have been great in helping me to get stronger and try new ways to accomplish goals with me but now I have lost her as well due to changes in the structure. I have fought to get what I should have had in the hospital because it seems to me that I was pushed aside because I was the positive have a laugh bloke. I have tried to stay positive so people will not worry and feel comfortable talking to me, defending some people’s decisions and actions only for those very people to slate you. Trying to stay positive and stay strong when my own sister and Nieces bad mouth and slate you is really quite difficult but even so I have put it to one side and cracked on. To stay positive and strong when my own Mother has ignored me and my condition is pretty hard but again I have cracked on. I have been used to fighting to get my point across for years, to defend people when they have screwed up or if something is wrong and even fighting to restrain criminals until the Police arrive but now I find myself in a new position. I find myself in a state of near confusion. I have been trying to figure out what I can possibly have done to end up where I am.
I have no spinal consultant that I can call to ask if they can help me get a physio. No consultant to ask why my spasms have got to a point where when I lay down when I get in to bed I am unable to breathe. Why I can’t move my legs with my hands without causing such a spasm that I actually lock until it subsides or it practically throws me out of the chair. I have no relationship with my Nieces because of the spiteful things that my Sister has been saying. Why I can not just be part of a normal family that stick by each other instead of being in their own little self important worlds. Why since my accident I can’t have a normal relationship with my Wife and why now I actually feel like I am a passenger in my own life just being pulled along and having no say or actions as to how it’s going to be.
I am sick of fighting now, I am tired of it, I just want a quiet relaxed life. I want to get my court case out of the way because that is constantly in my head, trying desperately to remember what happened, constantly reading the reports and looking at the pictures and trying so hard to understand the bollocks I am reading. I want to get some rehab, just like I was promised assuming it is not too late. I want to drive, I want to not have to ask people to drive me where I need to go, I want to be able to go and visit my friends without needing a chauffeur. I want to go swimming in a pool. I want so many things that I used to be able to do and still could with the right help. What I want more than anything is to be able to go to bed and fall asleep cuddling my Wife, properly cuddling.
Today has been the hardest day so far, I really feel low today, I have felt myself sinking which I am not used to. I don’t want people to think I am feeling sorry for myself as it is not something I do, but reading this would seem that way. I don’t know why this has come about, thinking probably, thinking about all of the things I wrote and more because that is just the tip of the iceberg believe me but I need to get back up. For now though, until I can get back up I am here. I keep saying that there are people worse off than me and that is true, to them I give my respect but as it stands right now, I think I need to just have me and me only to think about everything, rearrange my thoughts and climb back out of this pit in to which I have stumbled. Cuddle up to each other tonight people, it can be taken away from you at any time in the blink of an eye.
Goodnight all.