Need to `Man Up`.

Darren, Tabatha and my Brother all travelled down to Bournemouth on Sunday to collect the stuff form their shed, the garden furniture and to do a final clean and inspection on the house. My Wife and I looked after their two kids to save them from having to keep them entertained while they were sorting out the final bits to move and clean and it meant that they didn’t have to take two vehicles. At last, on Sunday afternoon, they had moved everything and were officially moved to Chard. They really seemed happy to finally be sorted, all that was needed now was the letter from the school to say that the kids had their places and then they could arrange the start date. Their belongings unloaded from the van, they and my Brother came to our place for a drink and to talk about their day. My Brother left us to go home and Darren, Tabatha and the girls had a roast dinner with us which went down really well.

We got our kids bathed, hair washed and ready for an early night in preparation for the first day back at school in the morning. How was everyone going to cope with the early morning start? `Pickle` was a nightmare to wake up at the best of times so it would be interesting for certain. With our kids in bed and settled D & T took their girls home and while my Wife went to bed, I stayed up to watch a couple of episodes of NCIS and eventually went to bed at around one a.m. What time would I be encouraged to get out of bed later on in the morning?

Surprisingly the kids got up well this morning, `Pickle` went to nursery and my Son went to school quite happily despite his upset about it last night but my Daughter had an appointment at the hospital and would not be going to school until around lunch time. My Mother in Law was not at work today and so she did the hospital run and picked up a couple of things in Taunton afterwards. It was handy that she needed to pop in to Taunton as I have an appointment in Taunton tomorrow and so it keeps the fuel usage down a bit. While the kids were out my Wife and I visited D & T’s new house to see if I could get in. It can be difficult obviously in my wheelchair and whilst there is no way I could get over the few steps leading to the front door or the one to get over the thresh hold, we did get me in with me needing a little assistance. And so we stayed for a few hours and had some lunch with them during which time `Pickle` was bought back from nursery by my Mother in Law who had collected her after dropping my Daughter to school after her hospital appointment.

`Pickle` was extremely happy when she arrived, she was telling us about her morning back at nursery and it was very clear that she was not upset about having to go back. She really does enjoy it at nursery and is always singing the songs and nursery rymes that they have been learning which is brilliant and as a parent, lovely to hear. It was around quarter to three this afternoon when my Wife and I left to get a couple of things for me from the shop to be able to start my Sea Vixen model and then back to the bungalow where I would wait while Wifey went over to collect the kids form school. You may have noticed that I did not mention `Pickle` leaving with my Wife and I and the reason for this is that she was having such a good time playing with D & T’s girls that when Darren asked if she wanted to stay and play and have tea with them, she said ok and ran back upstairs to continue playing. She eventually returned to us at around seven this evening having had pasta bake for tea with tiger loaf and she stuffed the lot. We had also finished our tea and I had cut my hair and bathed ready for my return to the T.A tomorrow evening.

On a disappointing note I have become seriously agitated and angry lately. I am frustrated at things that I used to be able to do and now can not, snapping at the kids and my Wife and just really struggling to be even mildly happy or cheerful, conversation is a novelty and I feel myself slipping in to a place I really don’t want to go. I have been thinking a lot about the military side of things of things lately, the fact that I can never again go on tour or exercise. No more chucking the sleeping bag on the floor and sticking a poncho up and sleeping out, waking up and having to bug out after being subject to a simulated attack. No more running through streams and crawling through the mud, all the good stuff that I enjoyed. Tonight was the worst though, I became so angry to the point that I wanted to smash something because no matter how hard I tried I could not put my right trainer on. I had struggled to get dressed on my shower chair after my bath, something which I can do although it is not easy, but every time I wanted to lift my right leg using my hand of course, it would spasm so badly that it made it impossible for me to do it. A thing as simple as putting on my bloody trainer was impossible for approximately thirty minutes, which made me go through mild annoyance, frustration anger and outright aggression. Now on reflection, when my Wife came in to see if I was ok or needed help I went in to one shouting and swearing, all of which the kids must have heard and all because I can’t put my trainer on. For me this is life now and I have to deal with it. I’m not perfect but I try to improvise adapt and over come but for my Wife this is more like a life sentence, at 33 years old you have to ask yourself this one question, is there more to life than spending the next 30 odd years being a carer for your other half? I appreciate that some people do and I respect that but it’s not what I want for my Wife and that is why I am getting so thoroughly pissed off with my inability to do simple things like dress myself all the time.

I have taught myself most things but now need to be taught how to improve on those things in order to make it easier, this is what I was supposed to doing back at the unit which is obviously not going to happen, especially as I am still waiting for the appointment from over four months ago. Bloody useless does not come close to how I would describe my experience but my letter requesting a transfer to another unit in the hope that they may show a bit more interest in helping me is on its way to the consultant so fingers crossed. If my request fails then I guess the frustration and swearing will continue until a time that I have had the correct medication to stop my spasms and I can freely move my legs with my hands or I have successfully overcome the problems I am encountering. I miss driving too, driving trucks and cars and I really miss riding motorbikes, somehow my power chair just ain’t the same and whilst I know I could ride on a track I will never again be able to get my bike stuff on, walk on out to my bike and just go for a ride to the coast, to meet up with mates and head to West Bay, Seaton or Lyme Regis or head down to Poole Quay in the summer to park up with hundreds of other bikers and this is just another one of those things that I have to accept and just remember the good times I had when I was able to do it.

Anyway, that’s enough of me going on and sounding like I am feeling sorry for myself which is never a good thing and is definitely something I try to avoid at all costs but the last few days have been a real struggle for me and so the Blog is where it gets let out. One last episode of NCIS before bed I think.

Goodnight all.



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